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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Liberal lexicon

I recently read a list of conservative vocabulary words on some obscure and unreadable website (not that I can talk, at least as far as obscurity goes). I decided I'd write a liberal lexicon so conservatives could understand what liberals are really saying. They tend to speak in code for some reason rather than just coming out and saying what they really think. Frankly, those few who are upfront and honest have my sincere admiration, although my disdain for their opinions knows no bounds.

So, in an attempt to translate liberalism into something more plain-spoken, here goes nothing...

Christianity: An old superstition based on the idea that a cis-male god impregnated a teenage virgin and allowed his son to be tortured for the greater good. It evolved out of the Jewish religion, but since they weren't the primary victims of Hitler, Christians are fair targets in the culture war. Christian churches (with the exception of the AME and other primarily-black churches) are enemies to diversity as they teach that humans must control their sexual impulses and that humans were designed to function as their bodies indicate rather than as the gender/species they choose. They are also the major perpetrators of Islamophobia worldwide.

Conservatives: Unsophisticated simpletons who believe in things like common sense, the work ethic, individualism, God and other outdated notions. Conservatives seek to return to the days of slavery and strive to return women to being barefoot and pregnant. They wage a war on women and have even brainwashed many women into believing that abortion is murder instead of a sacred right and rite of feminism. The denizens of trailer parks and corporate board rooms, conservatives are either troglodytes or maniacal geniuses bent on world domination for personal profit. (In the case of George W. Bush, both are true simultaneously, an idea solemnized as part of the famous Berkeley Creed. Conservatives can be both brilliant and stone stupid simultaneously; don't ask why because it's a Mystery.)

The Constitution: An impediment to the progress of human rights and equality in general. Also a useful tool for opposing any reasonable effort to protect Americans from the Islamist terrorists, who only seek to exact a richly-deserved vengeance. It is hoped that this document will be made irrelevant by enlightened Supreme Court justices who will ignore it in favor of the legal precedents set by such great nations as Cuba, Venezuela, and France. The Constitution was written by Evil White Men who included a three-fifths clause seeking to empower slave owners and demean Black Americans. For this alone it should be run through a paper shredder, mashed into pulp, and recycled as toilet paper.

Education: A right every child has, to be passively transferred by teachers who have been stripped of the right to discipline students. Discipline is cruel. Not subject to sociological forces, every student is willing to cooperate so long as teachers are able to discern his or her particular learning style. Thus, teachers are obligated to create an individualized lesson for every student every day and teach all of the lessons simultaneously. Effective teachers will have no problem doing this. Education serves to enforce the important and universal societal values of diversity, tolerance, acceptance of alternative lifestyle choices, the ability to comprehend and respect Islam, disdain for traditional American religions such as Christianity, and equality of outcome. No consequences will exist for students who do not meet course standards, since consequences such as retention are demeaning. Teachers will bear the sole responsibility for student outcomes, regardless of whether the students entered class with the prerequisite skills or made any effort toward learning anything. If this formula fails to work, more money is needed and a larger state bureaucracy should be created.

Evil White Man: Any straight male of primarily European descent who did not vote for Barack Obama. The sacrament of voting for The Obama absolves white men of guilt for the original sins of racism, sexism, and homophobia. Seriously religious Evil White Men are especially dangerous as they may be carrying guns and/or Bibles, both of which are dangerous weapons. Evil White Men are the cause of all the world's evil.

Europe: A mixed bag. On the one hand, it is where communism emerged and government largess is most rampant, both of which are pleasing qualities to liberals. Fornication has replaced marriage in much of modern Europe, and the birth rate is too low to maintain the population. This keeps evil humans from killing Mother Earth. On the other hand, Europe is where Evil White Men come from and was the historic stronghold of Christianity. Modern Europe disdains this past, however, and has redeemed itself. Plus, the Evil White Men are failing to reproduce and the population is being replaced with Muslims. This is good because most Muslims are not pasty Evil White Men and do not practice Christianity.

Health care: A natural right of man, inalienable, granted by Nature (as liberals have no God). This involves the right to drain resources from those who have labored to procure them and divert them to those who have not for the preservation of the unproductive. Ostensibly, the first government health care plan was enacted when early humans went to a village elder who smeared feces on a wound to prevent infection. Liberal health care plans will be at least slightly more effective, but vastly more expensive. However, money is no object unless you get to a certain age, at which time you will be counseled to accept a quick death so as to avoid being a burden.

Marxism: The optimal state of human affairs, not to be referred to in public by political figures. A replacement for Deity in the liberal world, The Communist Manifesto being the book of holy scripture. Every liberal must read this book and highlight pertinent passages. Rules for Radicals is only a commentary on the Manifesto, but is required reading as well. Private property is a social evil that implies that some human beings are superior to others in intellect, ability and effort. If, in fact, such differences do exist they should be suppressed at all costs.

Normal: An adjective used to describe a narrow, cisgendered and sexually-repressed subsection of the population who spend all their time watching television, gardening and playing cards with their couple friends. They tend to have more than two children per couple, and thus are contributing to the global population explosion and thus Armageddon due to climate change. They also tend to live in suburban areas to avoid exposure to more interesting and diverse kinds of people.

Reagan: The liberal equivalent of Satan, Reagan brought about the downfall of the beloved Soviet Union and dashed (or delayed) liberal hopes of a communistic one-world government. Reagan is to be reviled alongside figures such as George W. Bush and Glenn Beck. The reverence held toward Reagan in the United States is proof of American mental inferiority.

Talk Radio: Where Evil White Men exchange ignorant ideas such as self-reliance, private property, The Constitution, and sexual responsibility. At times they even stoop to using the word "slut" to describe promiscuous women who are just exercising their right to engage in non-reproductive reproductive activity. Talk radio is where the insidious concepts of financial responsibility and freedom of religion (even for Christians) are spread among the unsuspecting and ignorant populace. Talk radio must be suppressed or eliminated since it inhibits the creation of a more refined, revisionist interpretation of history and current events. The exception to this rule is National Public Radio, which is funded by government and thus easily controlled.

United States of America: The evil empire, produced by the unholy union of slavery and patriarchal rule. Redeemable only by and through a conversion to liberalism, Americans must be made to see the shame in their heritage and accept the error of their capitalistic ways. It is hoped that the enlightened people of the Third World will eventually overturn the national pride of the American people and counsel them to accept milder cultural norms, like public beheadings of women who speak to men in public. Patriotism is the trite and pathetic expression of a primitive tribal impulse.

This list is far from comprehensive. Feel free to add new vocabulary and definitions in the Comments section.

1 comment:

  1. New entry: Homophobic: Anyone who does not agree that a sexual liaison between two members of the same sex is exactly equal in every way to the union of a man and a woman. Also, anyone who questions whether a man should be free to use a woman's restroom.


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